The moment you realize what "love is" ...

I was doing quite well with my Facebook Fast, until Friday.
I wanted to post on Thursday when I saw the Hillcrest High School Chorus Spring Concert, because I was so impressed by the singers and the level of devotion they showed for the show, and each other.
Their teacher, Bruce McIntyre was a true mentor this year, and that was obvious by the affection between he and his students.
I stopped myself from logging in to Facebook, and worked through the temptation.

Then Friday came.  That same Chorus was asked to sing with the 1980's Super Rock Band Foreigner at their Sounds of Summer Tour with Styx & Don Felder.
Lucas had plans, so David stayed home with Rosey, and I had a very good seat for the Concert.
The Chorus had to report at 4:30 and sell CD's to benefit the Children's Hospital and the Grammy Foundation.  There they were in their Red Chorus T-Shirts that signify their "part".  There was my "Soprano" in her element with a group of friends that she adores.
Twenty five chosen singers along with their Fearless Leader waiting for their moment to shine when they would take the stage for the final song of the night.

I was alone at the concert, save for a couple of friends that I ran into that kept me company between sets, and Regan and her friends stopped in at my section when they were selling their CD's too.
Mostly, Friday was a chance for me to observe more of what I saw on Thursday, at the Concert at Hillcrest.
This is a special moment in time for a special group of kids.

Theatre is a funny game.  People are thrust together in an intense environment, for a short time.
They create something together, and then they go their separate ways.  It's inevitable. Community Theatre breeds drama by it's nature, and yet as a "player" you are isolated in that environment for the length of time that you're "playing".  Regan has been "playing" since she was 6 years old, either backstage, or finally, onstage about 4 years ago.  The Theatre was the source of all of her closest "friendships", but it was also the source of many questions about loyalty and self confidence.   
Recently, Regan has branched out.  Chorus was a big step for her, after an awful experience during her Freshman year.  She has recently auditioned for a Theatre in another town, where no one with the name, Pelicano, is involved, and she got the part.  A big part.  She has expanded her world to include many kids that appreciate the qualities that shine through, and that don't feel competitive with her for reasons that, though imagined, grow like a virus in a laboratory, in the micro environment  of Community Theatre.
I don't know how the other Theatre experience will turn out.  I know she'll do well on stage, and I know that she's having a ball, but I'm not certain that "friends" will be the result of the endeavor.

I feel very differently about the Chorus experience.  I believe that she has found some kids that appreciate all of the things that are "Regan".  As a matter of fact, it was a Chorus friend that suggested she audition at the Theatre in another town.  He wanted her to try because he knew their wasn't anyone who had auditioned that had a voice like hers.  That doesn't mean she has the best voice, it means that it's unique.
She is actually blown away by the vocals of the ladies with which she is sharing the role.  She's not in a competition, she's in a show.

The Chorus kids lit up when she arrived at the Concert on Thursday.  They were truly happy to see her.  A scheduling conflict had caused her to be excused from the performance, and she was ultimately able to split her time and make it to the show for the last few songs.  She was there in time to hear the solo of the young man that took her to Prom this year, and that was one of the reasons she insisted I attend, even when she wasn't sure she'd make it.  This guy was unbelievable.  Made me want to leap to my feet, before he was through.  A voice like I haven't heard on a kid his age before, simply beautiful.
His song was a Senior Solo, and there were more of those kids, with an opportunity to share their talents with their families and friends before they leave for their life adventures.  There were group numbers that had been rehearsed and worked out for weeks, and I've heard about them every afternoon when Regan jumps in the car.  I "knew" the kids without having met many of them so their personalities shone through in song.
Watching this little group of kids sing, and laugh, and take their bows, and hug their teacher, and each other, and then go to dinner and hug each other when they arrived at the restaurant that was right across the street from the school, so they were apart for 7 minutes, and then hug again after they were filled up with burgers and fries, in the parking lot, as they went their separate ways for 16 hours until they were all to meet again, reminded me that love and friendship can't be sustained in environments that breed insecurity and competition.  Sometimes the environments of insecurity and competition are imaginary, they're not exclusive to community theatre.  They rear their ugly heads all the time, in our lives as teenagers, and adults, in work and other areas.

Friendships need that quality of "There you are! I've missed you!" It doesn't matter how long we've been apart, I've thought of you and I have wished you were near me.

If it's every morning at your locker, or every time you arrive at your rehearsal for a show, if you're really friends, that feeling comes through. "There you are!"  "I've missed you!"  It's simple, and it's impossible.  It requires seeing another person through eyes of appreciation for all that they are without comparing them to anything that we are...imagine that.
When we look at others for all that they are, without comparison, competition and insecurity can not survive.

This leads me to a moment in time... the class of 2014 and their friends from the underclass at Hillcrest High School, all culminated on stage Friday night when they rushed out out to sing "I Want To Know What Love Is" with Foreigner in front of thousands of people. Mr. McIntyre joined them and they swayed with their hands in the air and sang at the top of their lungs.  They looked at each other ("There you are!" became "Here we are!"), while they sang and shared a moment that will last forever.  The lights were as bright as their futures.  They were sweaty and no one's hair or make-up looked at all as they had intended it to look as they were getting ready, 6 hours earlier, before the RAIN...
Regan told me that she learned something about herself Friday night.  I won't share what she learned, but the idea that she took that moment and applied it to what she now knows for sure, made me very proud of her accomplishments this year, over and above the things she achieved as a singer.  Regan.  She lights up a lot of lives, especially mine.

...that's why I broke my Facebook Fast.

Week In Review

Ah....Social Media.
I love it. I got a beautiful note in the mail from one who has found my Facebook inspiring.  He actually donated to Rosey's Boosterthon and wrote a note to her, about her mom.  Priceless.
He knew me years ago and finds my daily updates to my public status something that he looks forward to.
I appreciate that.  I love human connection.

On the other hand, Social Media has caused many private thoughts to be public, and that leads to misunderstanding.  I like sharing, and when things matter to me, or touch me, I like to share that with the folks that are interested to stay friends with me on Facebook.  If something sounds like it is about you, it might not be.  One never really knows an other's intentions, and that leads to a very dark "Three's Company" type situation, when feelings get hurt.

This week I turned 49.  I was honored to be "Employee of the Quarter" in the City where I work (Honored and Humbled).  Then things got ... not so great.
I don't plan to share more than is appropriate, but if you've gotten this far, you might be interested.
I was put in the position of defending myself (many times in a few days), and I've chosen not to do so.
That suffices for me and my conscience.

I am certain that unless one knows the entire story, they should perhaps give another soul the benefit of the doubt.
I was forced to make "decisions" that I had no intention of being involved in, and I will never know if I was right or wrong.  I will be content in my intention.  I will be second guessed and vilified by those who have chosen to be passive when they had every opportunity to step up.  I will survive judgment. I always have.

I have come to some very strong conclusions through it all.  I will continue to share my life and my thoughts and whatever I feel is appropriate to share.  I will hope that what I post touches a heart, or gives information, or bridges a gap.  I am not a spectacular daughter.  I have been very much reminded of that over the past 24 hours by people who do not know me.  I am not a spectacular friend. I have been reminded of that by many people, including "friends" that have disappeared from my life and put the blame for that on something that I did or didn't do. I am not a spectacular citizen of the earth.  I use plastic bags and water bottles. I am not a spectacular wife. The man I married is far better at everything than I am when it comes to the holy bond of marriage (we've been married 29 years today).  I strive to be a good mother.  I think it has taken over all other aspirations, and I believe it is when I write about my motherhood that people respond.
I am not perfect. I am flawed, and I am also LARGE in my mistakes and my life in general.  There are very few times that I am present and no one knows I'm there.
...but I'm 49 years old.  I take full responsibility for every bit of it.
I am not every one's cup of tea. I don't mind that.
I am Employee of the Quarter. I am Zachary, Regan, Lucas and Rosey's Mom, I am David's Wife, Mackensie's Mother in Law, Jack's sleeping companion, and I am content in the seat where I sit at this moment and the view that I have in my windshield ahead.  The rear view shows nothing that I regret, and I am going to sail on until I fail so big that there is no picking up the pieces.  I am going to live this one, huge, wonderful, life that I've been given.
We are promised nothing, and I will hold no grudge. I've seen what it is like to be angry, or feel like one is owed something by someone.  Futile. Ugly. Graceless.
That is not who I want to be.  I will strive to be a "Steel Magnolia," the adopted name from the region that I have made my home for longer than any other.  A delicate flower from a most beautiful tree, that is one of my favorites.  What I have gleaned is that the shade from my Magnolia is only comfortable for those with the most exquisite understanding of what that phrase means.
I'm thankful for those of you who have read this.
It means that you care.

Way Back When/Better Late than Never

This is a very old photo of the Grand Union in Wappingers Falls, New York.  This is a flashback that goes way back for me.  I was born in Brooklyn, New York, and my parents moved our family of 3 to the Hudson Valley in 1968.  My grandparents and many of my Uncles, Aunts and Cousins were already "upstate" as we called it.  We lived on Baxtertown Road in Fishkill when we first relocated.
My Grandfather, Jimmy Stapleton, Pop-Pop, as he was known to his grandchildren worked at this Grand Union.  He was perpetually friendly, happy and beloved.  He was one of the People that was known in the Village Of Wappingers Falls and I know now, that I am a grown up, that there are folks that go their whole lives and are never described as friendly, happy, or beloved.  I was a lucky granddaughter to have him for a Pop-Pop.
Another perk for having Pop-Pop as my own, was when my mother enrolled me in Wappinger's Play Group when I was about 3-4 years old  was that I met a friend who's Aunt worked with my Pop-Pop, so there was a level of familiarity with the two families. My Nanny & Pop-Pop would take me and pick me up from Play Group, so I guess a conversation ensued.  Well, that guy, who's Aunt Emily worked with Pop-Pop is still my pal, brother, person.  That was a result of the Grand Union Connection.
My dad worked part time jobs a lot when I was growing up.  One of those jobs was at this very Grand Union.  I remember my 10th High School Reunion where a young man that I had graduated with asked about my Dad.  I had forgotten that he had worked with him, but he didn't forget.  He asked about him and told me what a great guy my Dad was, and how much he enjoyed working with him back when we were in High School.  I remember being very touched by how fondly he remembered my Dad, and the Grand Union.
Another Grand Union connection.
I worked part time at that very store when I graduated from High School and was working as a Singer.  I needed a "real job" so I worked in the Deli Department, and I loved it!  About 25 hours a week waiting on people that wanted their cold cuts "just right" was a wonderful experience that has helped me with my Customer Service Skills that I still use all these years later.  If you can make an elderly Jewish lady happy with your treatment of her Kosher order, or the precise slices of the Lox, then you're on your way to a happy Customer Service Career!
I'll make a very long story short, and tell the thing I love most about this very Grand Union.
My husband found me there, or actually, I found him.
He had been on a crummy blind date and I met him through that disaster on a Friday night.  Of course I was with my best friend that I mentioned earlier, when I met David on that fateful Friday and we were out on the town.  I looked a lot different behind the Deli Counter on the following Monday when David walked in.
I have always been bold, so I refreshed his memory and told him that I was the friend of "miss mess" (I'll allow her to remain anonymous, although I've silently offered her my gratitude for the past 30 years)that he had met at "Berties"....another Way Back When.
I reminded him that I was much cuter than I looked in my deli hat, and he believed me.
After about 6 weeks of ham & cheese variations, he asked me out, after I told him that he'd better, because my tenure at Grand Union was ending that very night...I'd gotten a full time day job at Marshall's to supplement my Singing career,  and as they say, the rest is history.
Thank you Grand Union.  You were an incredibly large part of my formative years.
I was happy that I was able to capture this photo from a Facebook Page with old photos for the Hudson Valley.

OOTD & Water....Photos Day 4&5

If you know me, you know that I have a great admiration for Little Edie Beale.  She coined the phrase "The best Costume for Today" in the Classic Documentary about her life with her Mother "Grey Gardens". so I will refer to the OOTD in those words.  The Outfit of the day is, and will always be the Costume for Today, for me.  Notice a white T-shirt ... that is pretty much my "costume" in Summer.  I wear a lot of white T-shirts, and jeans.  I wear a lot of black T-shirts and jeans.  I wear a lot of sweaters and jeans when it's not too hot.  I kind of have a reliable "look" that is casual and comfortable, and rarely looks like much thought went into it.  I love fashion, and I love to dress for occasions, but most days are ordinary, and don't call for too much planning for things like "costumes".  I love to share clothes with Regan and we talk about clothes a lot. So that is the OOTD.  White T-shirt, White Summer Sweater and Brown Linen Pants that you can't see.

The photo for day 5 is Water.  I decided to use the water bottle that sits on my desk from my visit in April to my friend Jonathan Capehart, Opinion Writer for The Washington Post.  He graciously entertained the kids and I at the Famous Washington Post News Room.  We got the Cadillac Tour and a huge bag of goodies for everyone. Lucas plans to attend Columbia University for Journalism, so Jonathan was kind enough to spend time talking about the business and then he gifted Lucas with a real Reporter's Notebook.  Rosey got a Washington Post Stuffed "Reporter Dog" with a nose for news.
David got a great ball cap, and we all got shirts, water bottles, and a WP Umbrella.
I thought this photo was a great way to document the day, because I didn't have the presence of mind to get a photo of all of my children with the Pulitzer Prize Winning Journalist that happens to be a dear sweet friend that took time out of his busy day to spend time with me and my kids.