Week In Review

Ah....Social Media.
I love it. I got a beautiful note in the mail from one who has found my Facebook inspiring.  He actually donated to Rosey's Boosterthon and wrote a note to her, about her mom.  Priceless.
He knew me years ago and finds my daily updates to my public status something that he looks forward to.
I appreciate that.  I love human connection.

On the other hand, Social Media has caused many private thoughts to be public, and that leads to misunderstanding.  I like sharing, and when things matter to me, or touch me, I like to share that with the folks that are interested to stay friends with me on Facebook.  If something sounds like it is about you, it might not be.  One never really knows an other's intentions, and that leads to a very dark "Three's Company" type situation, when feelings get hurt.

This week I turned 49.  I was honored to be "Employee of the Quarter" in the City where I work (Honored and Humbled).  Then things got ... not so great.
I don't plan to share more than is appropriate, but if you've gotten this far, you might be interested.
I was put in the position of defending myself (many times in a few days), and I've chosen not to do so.
That suffices for me and my conscience.

I am certain that unless one knows the entire story, they should perhaps give another soul the benefit of the doubt.
I was forced to make "decisions" that I had no intention of being involved in, and I will never know if I was right or wrong.  I will be content in my intention.  I will be second guessed and vilified by those who have chosen to be passive when they had every opportunity to step up.  I will survive judgment. I always have.

I have come to some very strong conclusions through it all.  I will continue to share my life and my thoughts and whatever I feel is appropriate to share.  I will hope that what I post touches a heart, or gives information, or bridges a gap.  I am not a spectacular daughter.  I have been very much reminded of that over the past 24 hours by people who do not know me.  I am not a spectacular friend. I have been reminded of that by many people, including "friends" that have disappeared from my life and put the blame for that on something that I did or didn't do. I am not a spectacular citizen of the earth.  I use plastic bags and water bottles. I am not a spectacular wife. The man I married is far better at everything than I am when it comes to the holy bond of marriage (we've been married 29 years today).  I strive to be a good mother.  I think it has taken over all other aspirations, and I believe it is when I write about my motherhood that people respond.
I am not perfect. I am flawed, and I am also LARGE in my mistakes and my life in general.  There are very few times that I am present and no one knows I'm there.
...but I'm 49 years old.  I take full responsibility for every bit of it.
I am not every one's cup of tea. I don't mind that.
I am Employee of the Quarter. I am Zachary, Regan, Lucas and Rosey's Mom, I am David's Wife, Mackensie's Mother in Law, Jack's sleeping companion, and I am content in the seat where I sit at this moment and the view that I have in my windshield ahead.  The rear view shows nothing that I regret, and I am going to sail on until I fail so big that there is no picking up the pieces.  I am going to live this one, huge, wonderful, life that I've been given.
We are promised nothing, and I will hold no grudge. I've seen what it is like to be angry, or feel like one is owed something by someone.  Futile. Ugly. Graceless.
That is not who I want to be.  I will strive to be a "Steel Magnolia," the adopted name from the region that I have made my home for longer than any other.  A delicate flower from a most beautiful tree, that is one of my favorites.  What I have gleaned is that the shade from my Magnolia is only comfortable for those with the most exquisite understanding of what that phrase means.
I'm thankful for those of you who have read this.
It means that you care.

Giving It A Whirl! Summer 2013

So long since I posted, I thought I'd start with a favorite recent photo.  This is Regan and me at the Ed Sheeran Concert that we went to at Furman University in March.
We took a night off from rehearsals from Gypsy, and we're still talking about how happy we are that we did!
I'm trying to BLOG again.  Funny how I always get bitten by the bug in the Summer months, and that is probably because I'm not as pressed for time and resources during the Theatre "off Season".
Ed Sheeran is on my "turntable" lately.
We just purchased a new vehicle, Nissan Pathfinder. Thank you Honda Pilot for 9 Happy Years!
Zachary and Mackensie moved next door.
Regan is finishing 10th grade.

Lucas is finishing 9th grade.

Regan and Lucas are both 15 until July 7th.
We're planning our trip to Isle of Palms in two weeks.
Rosey is finishing 3rd grade.
The last day of school is Thursday.
I'm going "home" to NY in July.
It has been 30 years since I graduated from Roy C. Ketcham High School!
These are just a few of the high points that are going on right now.
Getting my thoughts together as I plan how to proceed with this little endeavor, so stay tuned!
xxoo

Here I go...again

May 1st.  Sooner than I thought. I was planning a Facebook Break, but it came sooner than I had imagined.  I took the Summer off last year, but this year, I needed a longer break.
I love my life. I love my job. I love it all.
I just need to figure out how to balance it all so I can feel the love every day, and not feel so tired sometimes.
Wanna help me?  Wanna cheer me on?
I want to hear from my friends from "the old days" Sheri, Marty, Nell, Barbara, Janene, Terri, Victoria, everyone from RCK, all of you matter to me.
My long distance friends and family that have found me on Facebook, I don't want to be out of touch.
I just don't want to let anything take my time.
My time is so precious that I shouldn't have to weed through the posts on my "timeline" to be connected to people that I care about.
For my everyday people...my F.I.R.E. People...we're a team.
We're beyond family, we work together to make the world better.
Let me know...
Let me know why you're here reading it.
Let me know what you want to talk about.
Let me be in your life by choice, not because I turn up on your news feed.
What a wonderful world we live in that we can connect in such a way.
I'm going to try to really share what's in my heart.
Scared?

The Summer of the Old Lady Bathing Suit

Yep...I had a good run.
It's over, now.

I went bathing suit shopping, and the result was discouraging. 
I'm not "that girl" anymore, I'm "that woman".  I'm "Ma'am".  It's official.

I will miss the youth and all the perks of knowing I could eat anything I wanted and wear anything at all.
I can still wear clothes, but that is now limited to "full coverage". 

I have never been defined by my looks, per se. 
Some people are surprised by the amount of confidence I've always had and I think that confidence is a result of not really worrying about my looks. 

I guess there are certain rights of passage that we all must go through.  Summer is a time when these types of passages occur for me.
Summers of childhood were long and hot.  The grass was always really green where I grew up and there was a lot of clover in the yards.  I spent time outside in a neighborhood in Wappingers Falls NY from about my 10th or 11th summer.  We played kickball, and I had a crush on the boy down the street.  I was the skinniest girl on the block...almost famous for being really skinny with a really grown up "big girl" singing voice.  I also had tons of hair 
Those were innocent, lovely times.

Memories of Adolescence are accompanied by Summer Adventures, too.  I remember the smells and sights of the world awakening in a new way as I fell in what can only be described as "First Love" and shared long days with boy who I remember fondly.  The music of those summers still takes me there and I am always happy to be still in those moments of sweet memories. Summer Love lasted into the Fall and Winter of those years, and when that first love faded, summers became filled with friendships that last til this day.  Summers spent getting ready in the evenings to go out dancing with my "gang".  Showing up at the club with my girlfriends, sharing the same fake i.d. hoping for a glimpse of the guys we had crushes on and thinking we looked real cute in our outfits.  We knew we turned heads and that made it so much more fun. 

Summer of High School Graduation brings back all the memories of the heady feelings of having my whole life ahead of me and wanting it to get started already. Summer at the Shore with my best friends living it up as carefree as one could be.  It was truly the Summer of total freedom.  We still bore people with tales of our adventures as we lived life on the edge of what was going to be acceptable come Summer's end and we would all go our seperate ways.   I was still in a "regular" bathing suit then...I remember seeing women in the Old Lady Bathing Suits and thinking, that they must have let themselves go...turns out, they did.

They let themselves go to their lives...to their kitchens, to their kid's schools as volunteers.  They let themselves go to the size that required maternity clothes and back to regular clothes and back to maternity clothes again if they were lucky.

Maybe they let themselves go to the doctor and heard bad news and had to let themselves go to Chemotherapy and Radiation.  They let themselves go to a place of healing and let themselves go to a place deep down inside that they didn't even know existed until they had to fight for the chance to let themselves go some more.

They let themselves go to fine restaurants every once in a while and maybe one great vacation or more over the years. Maybe they let themselves go to Paris once, or to a Graduation Party for their oldest son.  They let themselves go to reunions with friends that always revolve around a meal.   They let themselves go to New York City to live it up every once in a while and eat fancy food and drink good wine.
They let themselves go home to the house that they created and to the warmth of being married, happily for what feels like 100 years.  100 years that passed in the blink of an eye until one day they went shopping and had to buy "the Old Lady Bathing Suit".

I am so very happy that I "let myself go" if this is the place I have gone.  I love Summer.