Week In Review

Ah....Social Media.
I love it. I got a beautiful note in the mail from one who has found my Facebook inspiring.  He actually donated to Rosey's Boosterthon and wrote a note to her, about her mom.  Priceless.
He knew me years ago and finds my daily updates to my public status something that he looks forward to.
I appreciate that.  I love human connection.

On the other hand, Social Media has caused many private thoughts to be public, and that leads to misunderstanding.  I like sharing, and when things matter to me, or touch me, I like to share that with the folks that are interested to stay friends with me on Facebook.  If something sounds like it is about you, it might not be.  One never really knows an other's intentions, and that leads to a very dark "Three's Company" type situation, when feelings get hurt.

This week I turned 49.  I was honored to be "Employee of the Quarter" in the City where I work (Honored and Humbled).  Then things got ... not so great.
I don't plan to share more than is appropriate, but if you've gotten this far, you might be interested.
I was put in the position of defending myself (many times in a few days), and I've chosen not to do so.
That suffices for me and my conscience.

I am certain that unless one knows the entire story, they should perhaps give another soul the benefit of the doubt.
I was forced to make "decisions" that I had no intention of being involved in, and I will never know if I was right or wrong.  I will be content in my intention.  I will be second guessed and vilified by those who have chosen to be passive when they had every opportunity to step up.  I will survive judgment. I always have.

I have come to some very strong conclusions through it all.  I will continue to share my life and my thoughts and whatever I feel is appropriate to share.  I will hope that what I post touches a heart, or gives information, or bridges a gap.  I am not a spectacular daughter.  I have been very much reminded of that over the past 24 hours by people who do not know me.  I am not a spectacular friend. I have been reminded of that by many people, including "friends" that have disappeared from my life and put the blame for that on something that I did or didn't do. I am not a spectacular citizen of the earth.  I use plastic bags and water bottles. I am not a spectacular wife. The man I married is far better at everything than I am when it comes to the holy bond of marriage (we've been married 29 years today).  I strive to be a good mother.  I think it has taken over all other aspirations, and I believe it is when I write about my motherhood that people respond.
I am not perfect. I am flawed, and I am also LARGE in my mistakes and my life in general.  There are very few times that I am present and no one knows I'm there.
...but I'm 49 years old.  I take full responsibility for every bit of it.
I am not every one's cup of tea. I don't mind that.
I am Employee of the Quarter. I am Zachary, Regan, Lucas and Rosey's Mom, I am David's Wife, Mackensie's Mother in Law, Jack's sleeping companion, and I am content in the seat where I sit at this moment and the view that I have in my windshield ahead.  The rear view shows nothing that I regret, and I am going to sail on until I fail so big that there is no picking up the pieces.  I am going to live this one, huge, wonderful, life that I've been given.
We are promised nothing, and I will hold no grudge. I've seen what it is like to be angry, or feel like one is owed something by someone.  Futile. Ugly. Graceless.
That is not who I want to be.  I will strive to be a "Steel Magnolia," the adopted name from the region that I have made my home for longer than any other.  A delicate flower from a most beautiful tree, that is one of my favorites.  What I have gleaned is that the shade from my Magnolia is only comfortable for those with the most exquisite understanding of what that phrase means.
I'm thankful for those of you who have read this.
It means that you care.

Giving It A Whirl! Summer 2013

So long since I posted, I thought I'd start with a favorite recent photo.  This is Regan and me at the Ed Sheeran Concert that we went to at Furman University in March.
We took a night off from rehearsals from Gypsy, and we're still talking about how happy we are that we did!
I'm trying to BLOG again.  Funny how I always get bitten by the bug in the Summer months, and that is probably because I'm not as pressed for time and resources during the Theatre "off Season".
Ed Sheeran is on my "turntable" lately.
We just purchased a new vehicle, Nissan Pathfinder. Thank you Honda Pilot for 9 Happy Years!
Zachary and Mackensie moved next door.
Regan is finishing 10th grade.

Lucas is finishing 9th grade.

Regan and Lucas are both 15 until July 7th.
We're planning our trip to Isle of Palms in two weeks.
Rosey is finishing 3rd grade.
The last day of school is Thursday.
I'm going "home" to NY in July.
It has been 30 years since I graduated from Roy C. Ketcham High School!
These are just a few of the high points that are going on right now.
Getting my thoughts together as I plan how to proceed with this little endeavor, so stay tuned!
xxoo

On the Day That You Were Born

...The angels got together.  You know the song.
It was Lukie's song  from the moment I laid eyes on him.
He was born chin first, a different kind of breach.  There was great distress and neo-natal team at the side of the bed as he was born and he was whisked away after hours of real fear that we could lose him as his face was hyper-extended and in no "position" to be born.
He was born, after the doctor told me, in my very quiet mild hysteria, which is my usual response to such dramatic circumstances, "You can do this," and I did it.
I have come to realize that it is my mild panic that allows me to focus on the crisis at hand, if it's a facial presentation at birth, a Stage 2b Breast Cancer Diagnosis, a Tumor the size of a Coconut in the abdomen of my four year old, I get focused and there is no more crisis, I've got it.  No matter what it is, it's within my grasp.  There is a moment when I decide, I've got this, and I do.
Lucas was the first conscious manifestation of that response..."fight or flight?"  I'm Irish. Enough Said.
I fight.
So there he was.  He was mistaken for the wrong baby by our African American Nurse who thought that he was not my child because he too, looked African American.  She questioned the delivery room nurse before she would move us to our room.  He was a funny shade of black and blue that would only intensify over the next few days before he turned that crazy brownish yellow that bruises turn before they disappear.
He transformed into the most breathtakingly beautiful baby by virtue of the contrast to his debut.
Lucas is a treasure.
He has been a joy to love since he got here, and I will always be grateful that I was able to provide Zachary with the baby brother that he silently longed for and Regan the protector that will be with her forever. My middle children have a bond that is unmistakable.
I celebrate this day as the day that I got my Bonus Boy.  That was fourteen years ago.
Don't ask me where that time has gone, but I do know it's gone.
I am blessed to know him, and the Bonus is, I'm his Mom.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day Loaded with created expectation for a celebration by virtue of a Title. Mother's Day for me occurs four times a year. March 2. July 7. May 23. September 30. We celebrate the births of my children and I celebrate the moment that we met. The moment I first held them in my arms and we looked into each other's eyes. Sacred. We went to Brunch last Sunday. I love Brunch. David sent flowers to my office this week, but the card read "Just Because." Today I will lay my eyes on my four children and my bonus daughter because it's Sunday. It's customary to spend our Sunday evenings together when we can. I will look at each of their faces and remember that first moment when I introduced myself and made the promise to love them forever. They don't make a greeting card for that.

Of course, I cheat!

Gotcha!
Now that I have your attention,  I admit, I've checked my Facebook Feed.
I'll admit that I've thought about posting on this Blog many more times over the past month, but I've been LAZY. 
Too lazy to get my thoughts together in a way that is suitable for sharing.

BTW...I only put Matt Lauer's name in the "labels" because I'm mad at him for not being on the Plaza at Studio 1A on July 7th.  I had a date with him (in my mind), but he was conspicuously absent.

I've missed Facebook because of the long distance connections with people whom I don't see everyday.
I don't miss much else.
I love self examination, and my hiatus has given me time for that.
I know myself well enough to know that Facebook feeds a desire that I have to know what's going on with people who might fascinate me for all the wrong reasons.  I peer around to see how dirty some people's laundry can get, and how much they're willing to "share".

I have broken the habit of checking FB everytime I get on my computer, or every few hours on my phone. 
I plan to maintain this hiatus for another month and then I'll re-evaluate my "connections".

We only get so many summers in our lives and I've tried really hard to enjoy this one.
Now it's back to "work" at the Theatre, as Footloose rehearsals began last night.
I'm looking forward to filling my days and nights with new adventures and I'll be posting some details about those endeavors soon.

For today, I will be thinking of all the ways that I impact the lives of my family and others who care about me by my attitude and my words and actions.  It is a heavy responsibility to have so many eyes on me, reading my mood and navigating around my perceived projections that are really not about anyone but myself.   I'm thinking a lot lately about "atmosphere" and what kind of energy I create.

Are you bored yet?  I thought so. 

Reformatting

We're counting down to our Summer Vacation.  I decided to lighten up the look of this little Blog, and that goes with my latest life theme of lightening up.  I'm trying to lighten up in every way.
It began with turning off Facebook and that gave me free time with less clutter in my mind.  It really isn't important to know everyone's "status"...people write what they want you to read, and I am trying to eliminate anything that isn't "real".
I feel lighter...I feel like I can indulge in an hour or two in my art room with Rosey, or Regan or both and just journal or create on canvas. 
I take some time out each day to consider the upcoming Season at F.I.R.E.  I look over my scripts, and my notes and think about how I will attack the many things that are in store for me to help the Company move forward in a way that is true to our mission.  That doesn't require being plugged in to what people are saying on Facebook, and as a result of signing off, I'm less distracted.
The pool is open and the girls start Summer Camp on Monday.  I have a few things that I need to get done before we leave for our vacation at the end of the month, so I'm taking time to do them, and trying not to put things off.
AND THEN THERE'S THE CASEY ANTHONY TRIAL...
I watch it like I am one of the expert commentators and that I may be called upon at any moment to be on air at In Session.
I have it on in the background all day when I'm home and I watch recaps at night when I can sneak away.  It is an obsession.
I am totally able to do two things at once, and I know that by the very nature of the media, I can't really miss anything that I can't catch up on later, but the thing has me mesmerized.
Why?  What is it about the macabre story of evil that keeps me tuned in? I am fascinated by the human condition in all it's forms. Is this so against nature, a mother accused of murdering her child? It makes me consider the absolute boundless love that I have for my children a gift.  It is not something that automatically occurs by virtue of giving birth.  Maybe that's why I feel so free to "mother" other people's children in the context of mentoring them at the theatre, when it's appropriate.  I am blessed with the gift of "motherhood".

Is There Life Without Facebook?

Today is the first day of Life without Facebook. I decided to take the summer off in an attempt to
stop procrastinating. There are a lot of things that I want to do...need to do...and every moment I spend "surfing" around on FB is really time I could be using in a better way.
That being said, I already miss my friends!
I have reconnected with friends from High School, Jr. High School and even folks from my adult life that I hadn't seen for a long time.
It is a ray of sunshine to get a comment on my status from people whose last names are different from when we knew each other 30 years ago, but the faces are still the same.
It is fun to hear what's going on in people's lives and know that struggles are universal and ultimately, surmountable.
There is another side for me...I am nosey. It is that bit of my personality that I struggle with that is not easy to overcome. I know that by denying myself the information, I'll be able to focus on all the great things in my life and come back to the Social Network refreshed and with inspiration to share.
So check in with me here if you're interested. I have made a personal commitment to posting and keeping this blog current.
I will try to be more engaged in the everyday, so my stories might be a bit funnier.
I'll still have quotes from people I admire, bits of inspiration that I wish to share.
I'll still share all the magic that Rosey brings to me everyday.
I'll still be here.

Now she's doing this!

Still the same old me, but there have been some changes. The kids have run out of Education options in this state, so we have decided to resort to Virtual School.
YIKES! I can do anything, and that is even more true of my kids, so I'm not afraid, really, but I'm not a fan, of "Homeschooling".
This will be different, because I'll make sure it's different, but it is not my first choice. We must come up with a viable alternative before Regan reaches High School and that's next year...
There's a lot more to tell, but I'm going to post small bits for the next few weeks to get caught up.
I have a lot to say and I've decided to begin, AGAIN.
New Beginning...that sounds full of possibilty, doesn't it?